Motherhood is Messy

Motherhood is messy from the very beginning.

Think about it. Delivery day isn't the tidiest {whoever said birthing a baby is the most beautiful thing must have meant to say it was the most incredible or amazing or unbelievable, but beautiful is NOT the word that comes to mind for me with puffy hands and swollen face, leaky fluids...you get the picture}.

Then there is the meconium {the first tar-like poop}.  Phil can tell you just how messy this stuff is when you are trying to change their diaper without turning on too many lights in the middle of the night and they start squirming and it gets all over the blanket, their onsie and your hands!

If you're nursing, that presents all sorts of different messes. And there are the spit up issues and leaky diapers.  Once they start eating solid foods, those spit up messes change colors and you have to match your wardrobe to accommodate those colors.

With the start of crawling begins the mess on the kitchen floor as all your cupboards are emptied and your living room begins to look like a daycare. 

Walking introduces injuries that are not only messy {split lips and scraped noses bleed FAR more than I anticipated}, but heart breaking as well.

AND THOSE ARE JUST SOME OF THE PHYSICAL MESSES!

The REAL messes of motherhood are much deeper and harder to see.  They are the emotional messes that begin LONG before delivery day, or even before baby is conceived.

The anxiety over deciding to start a family and tears that occur from months of fruitlessly trying.

Seeing that positive pregnancy test and crying from both relief AND grief at the same time {talk about messy, how is it possible that once you FINALLY get what you have wanted you would feel slightly sad by it...try working that one out}.

Of course there are the messy pregnancy hormones which make you cry, laugh, angry all at inappropriate times and for silly reasons, sometimes creating way more drama than necessary.

Oh, and THEN the baby gets here!

Holding your baby for the first time brings the strangest emotions that messed with my mind in the weirdest way.  Who's kid is this? When is someone going to come get her and take care of her? If she is mine, why do I feel so ambivalent toward her? Do I even like her? What was I thinking?  Why don't I love her? When will I love her?

Those were NOT the sentiments I anticipated to feel when I first held my daughter, which then created a sense of guilt, which messed with me further.

That first night, week, month at home.  Will this get better? Why is she STILL crying? What was I thinking? Why don't I love her? When will I love her?

One day you wake up and realize you DO love her! She makes you laugh and you can't wait to see her in the morning.  Suddenly you can't imagine your life without her and you wonder when your messy emotions shifted.

Just when you start to think you have your own emotions in check, you realize that your emotions can change at the drop of a hat.  You are feeling warm and fuzzy inside because she looks so sweet in the dress you just put on her, you can't wait to take her to lunch with your friends and then she smiles up at you and throws up all over that little dress as you are strapping her into the car seat and you LOSE IT!

And then she gets a little older and starts demonstrating her own messy emotions.  She wants to do things for herself, but is frustrated that she can't.  She is so dependant and you, but wants to assert her independence. She gets mad when you discipline her and you are a mess trying to figure out when and how to best discipline her.  It is a very complicated dance.

Motherhood is a roller coaster of emotions for both you AND your children.  There are no clear cut, easy rules for dealing with the messes {both emotional and physical}, but that is what makes motherhood worth the ride!  What fun would the ride be if it was all at the same flat level the whole time; the dips, curves, climbs and drops keep it interesting.

And let's be honest, aren't messy kids just the cutest!