Confession

I have a confession. I wanted a boy. I wanted a boy way more than I realized. In fact, I was convinced I was having a boy just because I wanted it and subconsciously didn't even realize it. I was disappointed when I opened the box {and Phil unintentionally played a mean trick and had 1 blue balloon at the bottom of the box because he said he at least was hoping she would play sports and get a scholarship...huh, why is that even a debate she is after all half Albini...JUST KIDDING!}.

It really wasn't until after I had handed Phil the mystery envelope after the doctor's appointment and we were both on our way that it truly hit me how badly I wanted a boy. I had agreed {wanted} to be surprised in front of our families because I truly thought I didn't care what we had. The overwhelming desire for a boy took me by surprise yesterday because it must have been lingering there, but I had ignored it.

When we were pregnant with Emrie, everyone KNEW I wanted a boy {I wasn't shy about telling people who asked what I wanted, and yes I cried when I found out it was a girl}.

Yesterday afternoon it hit me...the reason I wanted a boy so badly {besides the fact that I would love to watch him play football and be tall and get muddy and play trucks and superheroes and think I am the perfect woman and want to find a girl just like me to marry and little boy shoes are JUST the cutest things in the world and we have the perfect name for him!!!}...Besides all that, I know Phil wants a boy and I just wanted the pressure to be off!

After my initial disappointment, I thought I would start looking up girly stuff on the Internet {mostly Pinterest}. But that only helped a little and then we went to bed.

1:57 am I woke up and immediately started thinking about HER. Not him, HER...It's a HER, a SHE...not a he or him, a HER....hmmm...

How did I feel about that?

About four months after Emrie was born, I remember going through the drive-through at Wendy's and texting my friend Erin to tell her she was right...Little girls ARE the best and so much fun. I also told her that even though God didn't give me what I WANTED, He gave me what I NEEDED in a daughter!!!!

As I lay wide awake in the middle of the night, that thought came to me...God didn't give me what I wanted, He gave me what I needed. But then I started to think...wait this isn't even about ME, it's about HER. God didn't give us what we needed, He gave us who SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE...who she was made to be!

Psalm 139:13-16 says,

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Our little girl was planned and created by God before I even existed. He had plans for her before Phil and I ever met. He knows who she is, what she will do and how she will be before it even happens.

While I was thinking over this, I had an even bigger epiphany. Phil and I are her parents and we are given the task of raising her. While the journey will grow us and challenge us and is ultimately intended to grow us closer to Christ, we are building HER. Our goal in raising her is to lead her so that one day she will make the decision to follow Christ as well.

BUT...in the end, this isn't about us OR her...It is about HIM!!! It is about God! He is the creator...we are here to serve Him...we are designed to love Him.

It isn't about who we are...it is about WHO HE IS!!!

Yes, he gave us who we needed...she is who He designed...but HE is who we all are to focus on, the creator of life who deserves to be worshiped by us ALL, which really transcends gender!