The story of each family is different and ours is uniquely ours. I am sharing our story with you not because I think ours was so much harder or easier than anyone else's, but because I think it is important to share the struggles as well as the joys.
Most would say we were crazy, but Phil and I decided we were ready to try for number three in November 2013. Aven was 16 months old and Emrie was almost 3. It was more Phil's idea than mine, but I was ready also.
After 5 months of trying unsuccessfully for number 3, I felt it was time to 'get checked'. It took us 9 months to get pregnant with Emrie and we were scheduled to have some testing done the month we got pregnant with her, so we never followed through. Then we got pregnant with Aven the first month and concluded that whatever issues we had the first time must have been worked out. Naturally, I was impatient the third time and wanted some answers.
I'll spare you all the details, but after both of us went through extensive testing, we were told by THREE different doctors, including my OBGYN and a fertility specialist, that the fact that we had not just one but TWO children already was nothing short of a miracle. All three doctors told us that given our test results they had NEVER seen any couple in our situation who had ANY children.
My perspective changed slightly at that news. I saw the two little girls we had as incredible blessings that I was taking for granted, but I still ached for more. I hadn't planned to be done. Shouldn't I get to choose how many kids I wanted? I was thankful for what I had, but very bitter for what I did not have. I was more bitter that I wasn't in control. I wrestled with the questions of how far I was willing to go to have more children, could I be satisfied if I never had anymore, would I always long for another baby even years from now?
Every time I heard of a pregnancy announcement I cried, like the all out ugly sob cry. I smiled through many baby showers, mostly happy for my friends and partly jealous it wasn't me. I heard people announce their baby names and wondered if I was every going to get to do that again.
We weighed the MANY fertility treatment options and after one failed IUI (intrauteran insemination) attempt, we opted to try surgery in August. BUT we were told it may or may not improve our chances of conceiving and even if the surgery was successful, we probably wouldn't be able to conceive for at least six months post-op.
Sometime in August I FINALLY decided that I was okay with only ever having two kids. My mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer, then my dad had a heart attack and life was put into perspective for me in a way I hadn't expected. I could FINALLY see how blessed I was to have the two healthy little girls in my life. If we had another baby at some point, I would be thrilled, but if we only ever had Emrie and Aven, I would be completely content with our family of four.
To say I was shocked to read the word 'pregnant' on that stick would be an understatement. That day was pure joy for me. I will never forget how fast my heart raced as I prepared to tell Phil and how my eyes filled with tears of joy.
But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how much it hurt to read all the other negative tests. That doesn't mean I have forgotten how much I cried hearing other people's happy news because it wasn't mine.
And just because I felt pain all those months, doesn't mean that I fully understand your personal hurt. Maybe pregnancy isn't even your struggle. I just wanted to share our story as a reminder that we all have struggles, we all feel hurt at times and we all experience disappointment. If this is you right now, I wish I could reach out and hug you, and when you are experiencing joy, I want to celebrate with you too!
My story is at a very happy point right now so it is a lot easier to say this, but I am truly thankful that I experienced a small taste of the pain of infertility because God used it to open my eyes to others' pain, specifically with infertility and loss. We all have our trials and I pray that you can see the blessing in your pain and use them for good.
We weighed the MANY fertility treatment options and after one failed IUI (intrauteran insemination) attempt, we opted to try surgery in August. BUT we were told it may or may not improve our chances of conceiving and even if the surgery was successful, we probably wouldn't be able to conceive for at least six months post-op.
Sometime in August I FINALLY decided that I was okay with only ever having two kids. My mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer, then my dad had a heart attack and life was put into perspective for me in a way I hadn't expected. I could FINALLY see how blessed I was to have the two healthy little girls in my life. If we had another baby at some point, I would be thrilled, but if we only ever had Emrie and Aven, I would be completely content with our family of four.
To say I was shocked to read the word 'pregnant' on that stick would be an understatement. That day was pure joy for me. I will never forget how fast my heart raced as I prepared to tell Phil and how my eyes filled with tears of joy.
But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how much it hurt to read all the other negative tests. That doesn't mean I have forgotten how much I cried hearing other people's happy news because it wasn't mine.
And just because I felt pain all those months, doesn't mean that I fully understand your personal hurt. Maybe pregnancy isn't even your struggle. I just wanted to share our story as a reminder that we all have struggles, we all feel hurt at times and we all experience disappointment. If this is you right now, I wish I could reach out and hug you, and when you are experiencing joy, I want to celebrate with you too!
My story is at a very happy point right now so it is a lot easier to say this, but I am truly thankful that I experienced a small taste of the pain of infertility because God used it to open my eyes to others' pain, specifically with infertility and loss. We all have our trials and I pray that you can see the blessing in your pain and use them for good.
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